I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
