Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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