I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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