I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
