I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
