She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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