ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
