I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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