i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
