I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
