I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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