nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
