my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
