Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
