You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
