i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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