New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
