It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
