Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
