what if every blade of grass was a penis?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
