I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
