yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Acid is not a monday night drug
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
