I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
