mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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