using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
