Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
