I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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