Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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