I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Randomize
