so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
