Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
