after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
