Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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