if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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