McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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