FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
