I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
