If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
