maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
