she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
