I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
