so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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