I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
