Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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