Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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