I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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