it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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