I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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