Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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