She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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